Modern Divorce - The Do-Over For A Better You

A family breakup because of the kids?

January 13, 2022 Attorney Billie Tarascio Season 3 Episode 21
Modern Divorce - The Do-Over For A Better You
A family breakup because of the kids?
Show Notes Transcript

Step parents don't have it easy in many cases. What happens when the new spouse's children come to the marriage with issues? And what happens when those issues are a danger to the new spouse's kids? 

In this important episode for any mixed family, Billie Tarascio speaks with mother who ultimately had to split her household in two in order to protect some children against the others.  It's a harrowing story but the outcome may surprise you and demonstrate how one family was able to carry on and survive.

Billie Tarascio: [00:00:00] Hi there. This is Billie Tarascio with the Modern Divorce podcast today joined with a very special guest who is going to remain anonymous. We'll just call her Kate, but she's here to share her story of what it's like to be a blended family. What it's like to be a mom of a blended family and some of the hardships that you can experience when you're in that particular circumstance.

I know it's a story that you all are going to love. It's pretty incredible. And I appreciate you here sharing that with us today. So [00:01:00] Kate, tell us about your story. 

Kate M: Thank you so much for having me Billie. I appreciate it. Um, you know, blended families, aren't easy. And I did this really crazy thing back in 2011.

I closed on a house and got married and became a stepmom all in one week. My late husband and I were well, we are devout Catholics. And so we had not lived together before we were married. Although I had spent a great deal of time with his daughters, um, So, you know, we, we just jumped in with both feet. We had two little girls, the second that we got married, they were wonderful part of our wedding and what I didn't, I did all sorts of research, how to be a step-mom.

And what sort of things to look for? Um, but what I wasn't really prepared for was what happens when kids come out of trauma and what you deal with as a family that, and, you know, within six weeks of us being married, we then had our honeymoon baby on the way as well. [00:02:00] So we just did every major life change except for changing jobs, I guess, um, all, all in the course of eight weeks.

Billie Tarascio: So incredible. 

So how old were the girls when you. 

Kate M: The girls were well, the youngest had just turned eight and the older one was about to turn 10. So our younger one was, and she's not young anymore. She's an adult and a mom herself and a fabulous human being. so our younger one, who's not young anymore. She's an adult and a mom and a fabulous human being. Um, she was our flower girl and our older daughter was about to be 10. So she was much too old to be a flower girl if you asked her. So we, we created something special for her to be in the wedding. Um, And then, you know, we went on our honeymoon, they stayed with their grandparents and we came back and we just thought we were going to be this happy go lucky family, which in a lot of ways we were, um, but they had come from [00:03:00] some trauma with their bio, mom and mom was still in and out of the picture and she was not a big fan of mine.

So, you know, being a blended family comes with all these challenges. And I, I read books and I looked at online podcasts and all sorts of things about how to be a great stepmom. And I think what I figured out is I probably just should have been looking into parenting techniques were out there and how to just be a great mom, because there's not really that big, a difference between a step-parent and a parent, as long as you're there and loving and, and being there for the kiddos.

Billie Tarascio: So when did you find out that your girls I'll call them, your girls had experienced trauma? Did you know going into your marriage? 

Kate M: So we sort of knew, we knew that my, my husband's ex had, had a bit of a troubled past, um, Mike and I were high school sweethearts. So I had sort of, you know, been around even before he and I got back [00:04:00] together.

We broke up when we went to, when I went to college. And then, um, I knew when his girls were born, I knew that his ex was from a very, very. Tough background and had her own issues with substance abuse and behavioral health and things like that. But I'm not sure we really knew exactly how bad things were until her younger two children who are with other, other people, um, were removed by the state.

And then it became very, very clear. That our girls had, had sort of been protecting their mom to some extent. Um, and they didn't spend a whole lot of time there because. Little things would come up. Like they wouldn't get to school on time. They, you know, they would be absent for days at a time when they were with her.

They were constantly going to the emergency room. Not necessarily because they were injured or something serious had happened, but because mom had this idea that something was wrong. Um, so Mike did his [00:05:00] best to sort of keep the girls with him whenever he could so that they could get to school on time.

They can have help with their homework. That sort of thing was just lacking there. Um, but then it became really clear as things emerged with her younger kids, that the girls have probably seen a lot and dealt with a lot living there. So that did not come to a head though until they hit puberty. And, you know, there, there was always like a little something off, I would say to the teachers, you know, when she needs to be tested for special ed or, you know, we need to, we didn't have an IEP in place for her or something.

But when they hit puberty, it became really clear as some of that trauma starting to get replayed in their own arguments and their conversations with us. And so of course, you know, being responsible parents, you, you find a psychologist and you find, uh, a counselor and you, you work with them from where they're at.[00:06:00] 

Um, and I, I just learned. A ton within a very short timeframe about, um, trauma, trauma based counseling. Um, my girls were both diagnosed eventually with reactive attachment disorder. So you end up learning about what happens in those very, very early stages. Um, if a mom is using substances or even if she is, gosh, spending too much time on her phone and not looking at her child and interacting with her child in that meaningful way. Um, it, it really impacts the way that the kids develop and you need to be able to know what that looks like and meet them where they were, because from the outside, looking in, it looks like just super bratty teenager stuff, but it was, it was, it was beyond that.

Billie Tarascio: Sure. Okay. So you knew something was off you thought, Hey, maybe there's a developmental thing going on. Maybe we've got a learning disability. Um, and it [00:07:00] wasn't until behavior presented itself that required you to get professional help that they got diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder, which from my understanding means that, you know, a child did not have receive the care they needed from a caregiver at a very, very early age. And didn't learn how to form a proper attachments. 

Kate M: And that's exactly what that is. So. My husband's wife at the time she had left when the youngest was six months old and she took the children with her. Now, he obviously found out where they were immediately and had visitation, but he was the, he was the primary breadwinner.

She never worked. Um, so he was working and he only had his girls, you know, maybe one or two days a week when he was off. So the majority of their very young life was spent with someone who come to find out later was not interacting appropriately [00:08:00] with them. Um, there's some reports from our, our, our oldest daughter of, you know, mom with one with the younger ones, not necessarily with our girls, but it was the younger ones putting the child in the corner, in the car seat and, you know, popping the bottle up, that sort of thing.

And so you're right. When, when kids don't have that eye contact and interaction they don't learn security and they don't learn to form attachments properly. And then you get, um, puberty, puberty hits, and there's all of these hormones. And all of this comes out in such a way that they are reacting to whomever they didn't form that appropriate attachment with.

So in our case, it was their mother, they had. Throughout later years develop appropriate attachments, but their grandparents and my, and my husband and things like that. But there was this missing primary attachment for their mom. Okay. Well, who's, who's the mom take her in our house, then it's me. [00:09:00] All of that trauma then gets acted out on me.

And they've actually made movies about this where, you know, like the. The the mother, the adopted mother, and the stepmother is saying all of this stuff is happening and people think she's crazy. People think she's losing her mind because it doesn't present with everybody. So I was, we were very lucky that we found a counselor who specialized in this, who could identify what it was and could say, look, this is what you can expect.

And sure. Every single thing that she told us the very first time we were in her office came to fruition. Even though I left thinking, oh gosh, not my kids. That's not my kids. That's never going to happen with us. 

So they really lashed out on you. And by this time you've got biological children as well, or at least one child.

Billie Tarascio: So what did you do?[00:10:00] 

Kate M: Well, we did a lot of things. Um, so altogether my husband and I had five children, we had five girls, um, and girls are their own brand of interesting. Anyway. So, um, you know, we, we went to counselors and we went to church. And we went to every everywhere. We, we were looking for help everywhere because so much of what was happening seemed so off and so foreign, you know, I, I grew up in a two parent household and really have no trauma to speak up. So I didn't understand it at all. Um, So we're looking for answers. And what we found out was, you know, you can, you can lead the horse to water, um, but you can't necessarily make, make your children, um, benefit from counseling.

You can't, you can't force them into new behaviors until they're ready. Um, so unfortunately [00:11:00] what ended up happening in our situation, both of our, both of my older children were inpatient at different points in time. Um, and it, it got very. Very scary in our house at some points. And so my husband and I, who again, were devout Catholics.

This was a really hard decision for us to make. If we were married in the church, um, we decided that we were going to legally separate and I was going to take the younger children. And live at home and he was going to take our older children and live in a home because it was no longer safe for all of the children to be in the home together.

And that was devastating. I mean, these, I have never called my older girls anything except my children. Um, we don't even really use the term step in our family. But we had to make sure that everybody was safe. My oldest tried to push me down the stairs while I was holding her youngest sister when her sister was four weeks old.

Not because she [00:12:00] hates me, not because she wanted to hurt her sister, but because she was in a rage and she did not, she was not in her right mind. My girls are amazing older sisters when they are thoughtful and thinking all the way through things. Um, but trauma. Blocks that you know, that, that flight or that, um, flight or freeze, um, mechanism, fight flight or freeze.

And. The so often they always feel like there's a tiger in the room. So often they always feel like they have to fight. Um, and so you have to fit, you have to figure out a way to approach that. And luckily with us, the distance helped. They didn't feel like they had to be arguing all the time or fighting for their, their perspective all the time.

Um, and so then they had the freedom to call me and ask me. Hey, mom, I have a question. Um, mom, you know, I want to try out for the play, but I don't have a ride back and forth to [00:13:00] rehearsals. Um, and for one of the things we learned that for traumatized kids asking for help is really, really difficult.

Um, so once they had that freedom to be able to come to me on their own terms, that really helped our relationship quite a bit. And they had an amazing relationship with their dad. Um, we unfortunately lost my husband in April of 2020, but he was, he was an amazing dad and all of his girls will tell anybody who wants to listen, what a great dad he was in our older girls talk about him.

Like he was their best friend. And I know at least my oldest realizes that he probably saved their lives because things were so very different from. Um, before she was living primarily with him. 

Billie Tarascio: I'm sorry that you lost him.

So would you say that physically separating and there's, there's a difference between being [00:14:00] physically separated and being legally separated. And it's interesting that you said you were legally separated. 

Kate M: I was, we did both. Um, and we certainly, so I, through the course of a lot of different things and, um, my, my girl's younger sister is being, um, or being sister and brother being removed by the state.

I ended up in public service. Um, I'm an attorney for the state and. They, my girls are not dumb. Girls. They're really, really smart. And they figured out very quickly that when they wanted to get to mom, they could allege certain things and make certain complaints. And every single time our household would get shut down and we would be investigated and I would be put on desk duty and, um, they figured out that that was really, really effective.

And so for us, I needed to be able to show in order to sort of stop that from happening anymore. I needed to be able to show that I did not have a legal obligation to them, [00:15:00] although certainly I still haven't had a moral and familial relationship with them, an obligation to them. Um, if anything, if anybody asks anything, it was no, I no longer had a legal obligation.

And so those investigations stopped pretty quickly after we took that action. Um, and the girls. Realized that that severed the legal relationship and they stopped even making any complaints or allegations. Um, so that was what we needed to do. Yeah. 

Billie Tarascio: So let me explain that because of. When, you know, kids make allegations of abuse or domestic violence, it has to be investigated by the state. And the state has to determine if those allegations are substantiated or unsubstantiated. And if the state thinks that there is danger in somebody's house with one parent, then that investigation continues.

But if you, if the children are not with the perpetrator living or the alleged perpetrator living in the [00:16:00] same space, You know, the state can close its investigation because the children aren't at risk because they're not living with the alleged perpetrator. So one of the ways that you can shut down these potential, uh, false allegations, you know, that are, that are for acting out purposes, is to create that separation because then you just kind of shut it down.

And I think that's what you're describing. 

Kate M: That's exactly what we're describing. And, you know, we were not in the middle of any of the active investigation or anything like that when this happened. And all of the allegations that were made were exactly like you said, unsubstantiated. Um, but you know, these are really traumatized kids and they're going to act out in whatever way works for them.

Um, and so when it had happened more than once and were frankly wasting state resources coming in and, and looking into a family, Um, there wasn't anything there. And, you know, our bio kids were interviewed every single time. You know, that's, that's [00:17:00] difficult for any, for any child. And you know, my, our other children were in that home where

they're older sisters were throwing chairs sometimes, you know, trauma does weird things. Um, but yeah, that's exactly what happened. That's exactly what we did. And it's interesting because my, um, my younger kids don't identify as coming from a separated or divorced family. And I never really knew whether they did or not.

We were watching, I don't know if you remember the old movie, the parent trap. Um, and one of my girls said, um, mom, why, why didn't you and daddy ever get divorced? And I was like, well, because we love each other and we were, we were married and we didn't want to, we need to get divorced. So it became very clear to me then that he and I had done a good job of, um, being collaborative in the effort.

I mean, it was obviously a little easier for us than it is for a lot of folks who, uh, are, are at odds with their spouse. Um, But we were very collaborative and, you know, we were still [00:18:00] going out to dinner together as a family and doing family things. Um, we, they just were not in the, in the position of having to be with their sisters where they couldn't be removed as something negative starting to happen.

Billie Tarascio: Yeah. And I'm, I'm happy that we're talking about this because this can happen in all families, blended families, step families, biological families, like more and more, you see kids with significant behaviors challenges. And sometimes that poses a threat to the other people in the family and being able to make a radical choice like you did.

It sounds like it was the very best thing for your family and it actually kept you and your husband intact as a functioning couple, maybe more so than you could have been if you were warring in the same house, trying to protect everyone's interest in one house. 

I think that that's so true. And you know, when we first started talking about it, my husband was so devastated by the idea of us doing this and, you know, I was too, but I was, I think I saw the writing on the wall before he did.

[00:19:00] And I finally, I can remember looking at him and saying, honey, we are not even communicating well between you and I anymore because we are so busy, constantly putting out fires. And I sat down next to him and I said, I just want my best friend back. You're my best friend. And I need to be able to breathe. I need us to be able to parent our kids in a healthy way, and they need to see that this constant putting out fires, constant, um, on guard for what might happen next to the other shoe falling, so to speak.

Kate M: Um, that's, that's not the way that's not the healthiest way to live and that's not the best way for us to be raising our family. And you're right. It was the absolute best thing that we could. 

Billie Tarascio: So, how did everything resolve? Did the girls eventually grow out of it? Did they process their trauma? How did it work?

Kate M: I was such a big advocate for them processing their trauma while they were safe under our roof before they went out and tried to conquer the world [00:20:00] on their own. And, you know, one of the things I think I've learned is not just as a stepmom, but as a mom, you really have to figure out how to just take a breath and take a step back and let them be where they are, because that is so foreign to me.

So difficult for me. My parents are super involved, like even to this day, I'm 42 years old and they're still very involved in my life. Um, but you know, That was not, that was not a process for them. And they actively fought against the trauma work. Um, excuse me. Our oldest eventually went off and joined the Navy.

She's a sailor, um, and doing wonderful things, protecting our country. Um, I think she is still very slowly working through her trauma as things come up. Um, you can imagine being in close quarters, on, on a ship for long [00:21:00] periods of time, even the most, um, behaviourally health healthy of us would probably want to scream in those circumstances.

And so. She recognizes some of those triggers that come up now and as an adult, sort of stepping back from them and seeing them happen from other places and not just a mother figure, she can realize, okay, this is, this is a learned behavior. This is how I am reacting right now is a learned behavior. And she has verbalized that to me and said, you know, I'm, I'm working so hard to change some of these things.

And I'm so proud of her for being able to recognize. Our counselor told us, um, oftentimes, especially for reactive attachment disorder, folks who have reactive attachment disorder, um, they don't fully know develop that healthy attachment until they have their own children. And that's exactly what I saw with my second oldest daughter.

She is now a mom [00:22:00] and she's an amazing mother, an amazing mother. And you know, she came right to me when she found out she was expecting, um, she, she thought I would be disappointed because she wasn't married, but you know, I. Just proud of her for making good decisions and, and working from where she was at.

Um, she, I just can't say enough about how proud I am of those girls, because they have overcome so much and they are working through their challenges one by one as they come up. And I think being a mom has, has really opened her eyes to. What that should look like and maybe what she was missing, that she didn't always understand she was missing.

Um, my, my second oldest, she, it brings up the interesting, the interesting point of, um, how do you address the trauma that you don't remember or that you think you don't remember? Sure. [00:23:00] And she was younger, you know, so she did not have these vivid memories of the stuff that happened in her mother's home that her sister had, um, And she would, she, she's the one that would, I just don't wanna talk about it.

I just don't want to deal with it. I just don't want to, um, everything's fine now. So the why, why do we need to drag up the past? And you know, there, there may be a therapeutic place for that. Um, but I think now as a mom, she's, she's seeing some of that and I've seen her role in so many healthy ways. I'm really proud of both of them.

Billie Tarascio: And what about the younger three. How are they doing? 

Kate M: You know, this has been a rough couple of years for our family just having lost their dad. Um, they, they have an amazing support system. And luckily, I think particularly given the fact that we were able to create some distance, their sisters have the choice of being really good, big sisters and being there for them now, instead of [00:24:00] being forced into that role, um, which, you know, when you're in the same household, every the household needs to function and everything needs to get done.

And so you, you sort of do get forced into, into roles. Um, every somebody has to take the trash out and somebody has to wash the dishes. Um, The little ones now realize that their sisters have a choice and that they are choosing them. And in unhealthy moments, we can talk about, you know, this isn't about you.

You know, they have had moments where their sisters have chosen something other than them, and that's hard for them, but we can have conversations about, you know, this isn't about you. This is where they're at right now. And it doesn't have to do with how wonderful a person you are. And then they see them come back around.

They see them make the choice again, to come back around and be there for them. And I think that that's very healing for the little ones, because then they know that, um, when push comes to shove, [00:25:00] their whole family is going to be there for them. And that they're not going to be as estranged from anybody.

And I think that's really important for kids to grow up, knowing that they have, that people have their backs. 

Billie Tarascio: I just think it's so cool that people are not always open to doing things differently, doing things that might be the best thing for their family, even though it doesn't look like maybe you thought it was going to look or maybe how it's supposed to look.

And I see that, especially with people who are, um, devoutly religious, and I just think that your story. It really is a Testament to your courage and flexibility. 

Kate M: Thank you. It took me a little while to get there. I'm going to be honest. This was not an easy call and not just from a religious standpoint, but also from you know, a mom and a perfectionist standpoint, you know, [00:26:00] for me, for awhile, it seemed like creating that separation was giving up. And I, I kept writing this narrative through my head of, you know, I'm the only mom that these girls have known. The one that's been there for them. What does it say to them? So I had to sort of stop that narrative in my own head and remind myself that this wasn't about me. It wasn't about, um, what I did or didn't do right or wrong. This was about a family unit and I needed to be looking out for everybody. Um, and creating that separation was the healthiest thing for

the kids at that point in time. So from a religious standpoint, it was difficult from just a human standpoint. It was really difficult. I will say that I am, I'm very lucky that our family and our immediate religious community was very supportive. Um, they understood how [00:27:00] hard Mike and I had worked to try to make sure that everything was healthy.

And then when they saw. Take that separation that step apart. Um, but still continue. We went to church as a family. I mean, we would drive from two separate houses and meet at the church and all sit together. Um, you know, my oldest daughter sang at my youngest daughter's baptism. Um, we were still functioning as a family unit and we were functioning as a more healthy family unit.

And when people realized that. They were very supportive. Um, and they, including when my husband passed away, because you know, a lot of people could have looked at that as we were a broken home and that I was not, you know, dealing with loss because we were separated. And so what difference does it make to you?

He's not there every day, but that was an incredible loss. And it was so sudden, and so unnerving. I mean, he was just past his 40th birthday when he passed away. [00:28:00] And my youngest one was two man, and we were in the middle of COVID, so nobody could go to the hospital. So it was very surreal. Um, and it, we could have been approached even by the church as well.

You're you're not married and, you know, we never, we never took the step to get divorced. We were only legally separated and all that, but, um, no. Nobody did that. But the hospital recognized that I was his wife and made, allowed me to make the medical decisions, even though he had come from somewhere else and somewhat, and his mother was the one that followed the ambulance.

Um, there was a recognition recognition across the board, um, that we were a family in it and that we needed to make decisions as a family unit. 

Billie Tarascio: Wow. You have been through a lot and your story is definitely not over. 

You have no new. [00:29:00] 

Your a grandma and you've got, what a three-year-old? 

Kate M: She just turned four. So I have four, six and 10 at home.

And then my older girls obviously are doing their thing. Um, but yeah, the story is by no means over and their dad is still very, very much a part of the everyday. 

Billie Tarascio: Well, if you have enjoyed this podcast, please like, and subscribe, and please leave a review. Um, give a shout out to Kate who has been so generous in sharing her very raw, very real, very instructive story.

I know I'm learning a lot and you are probably too. I'd love to have you back on in a year or so. With lessons on how to deal with loss, how to help your children deal with loss. I mean, I'm sure we could talk about that now, but let's give you a break, but anyway, thank you so much for being here today and sharing your story 

and sharing your time.

Kate M: Thank you [00:30:00] so much for having me and I wish everyone who's listening, the very best, whatever you're dealing with. Um, please just know you're not alone.