Modern Divorce - The Do-Over For A Better You

Success Tips to "Divide and Thrive" After Divorce

May 19, 2022 Attorney Billie Tarascio Season 4 Episode 9
Modern Divorce - The Do-Over For A Better You
Success Tips to "Divide and Thrive" After Divorce
Show Notes Transcript

What are the simple things you can do to NOT lose your mind during divorce? In this fun and fast-moving podcast, Billie Tarascio of Modern Law talks with divorce planning expert Alex Beattie about the very things you must do to survive a horrible divorce, while coming out of it bigger, better and stronger.

Pro Tip: Listen in to hear Billie's secret tale of woe on how she made a critical mistake that taught her why having your stuff together makes a huge difference, and how it ruined something she thought she was ready for.

You can find Alex on her website, DivideAndThrive.net, where you'll find the highly recommended planner tool that will keep your life in order while you're busy doing things like raising kids, finding a place to live, holding down a job, and designing your brand new life.

Billie Tarascio: [00:00:00] Hello, and welcome to the Modern Divorce podcast. Back with another episode that I know you're going to find so valuable today, we're talking with Alex Beattie of divorced, no divide in thrive, Alex, welcome to the show. 

Alex Beattie: Thank you so much for having me today. Billie, I'm thrilled to be. 

Billie Tarascio: Absolutely. I love the name, Alex. I don't want to get distracted, but I love the name Alex, especially for girls. 

Alex Beattie: I'm named after my grandfather. So my mom's going to appreciate [00:01:00] that 

Billie Tarascio: it is a great name and it's a great name, um, divide and thrive. Great product, great business. Fairly new. Tell me. 

Alex Beattie: Well, I'm happy to, um, divided thrive is absolutely a labor of love for me.

I haven't gone through divorce, kind of saw a need to create a space that wasn't there for myself, my business partner, Jenny pithy, and I, um, created a digital divorce planner that helps prepare people. If they're just thinking about divorce or they're in the early stages before meeting with you where they can organize their entire life and figure out their financial reality.

They have everything at their fingertips when they're meeting with divorce professionals. And if they reconcile, they have all that information there, but it was something that I did for myself and passed on to other people and saw how much it helped and how much anxiety it alleviated. You know, the first thing when you're going through a divorce is you think it's the trigger of, oh my God, [00:02:00] how am I gonna live.

Right. So being able to kind of be out there in the early stages and give people some information was our goal so that they could take the next steps with a lot more confidence and to that with divided and thrive, we didn't just want to be one thing either. We've created like this whole library of information.

Whether it's on our website or on our social media, Instagram and Tik TOK that walks people through what to do as well. And we've created a wonderful community and a private Facebook group. It just keeps growing. I just love connecting with people when they're at this really kind of challenging point in their lives and making it easier.

Billie Tarascio: Well, that's fantastic. And you have been there, right? This came out of your own personal expense. 

Alex Beattie: Yeah, that's exactly right. So I've been divorced about five years now and when I was going through my split it, the landscape kind of, wasn't what it is today in terms of social media and divorce. And look, I do think it's still has a little bit of a cloud over it.

This [00:03:00] idea of separating or divorcing, and I really wanted to get out there and help change the narrative. We're all thrown challenges in life. That was what was happening to me. I needed to focus on what was in my control because regardless of how you feel about divorce, you're still moving through it.

Right? And so one of the most important things that I quickly realized was not only focusing on what I had in my control was a great anchor for me, but also addressing the emotional side of what I was going through and the business side and making sure to separate the two of them that helped me tremendously on the emotional side, whether it was seeking therapy, I was in a privileged position to do that or reaching out and making friends because I have the best friends you would ever want in the whole world.

They're all married. Billie. I love them. They're happily married and I really wanted to connect with other people who were in my shoes or had been in my shoes. Doing like reaching out to people and focusing on things that were in my control. Oh, we're a part of [00:04:00] the beginning process of healing and also getting a handle on my life and figuring out what I wanted that next chapter to be.

Billie Tarascio: Okay. So I don't know the answer to this, but you sound to me like the person who is. You sound to me like the person who filed for divorce 

is that right? 

Alex Beattie: Interesting. It was actually mutual. Okay. We, we arrived at this point, you know, uh, after we I'd been in long-term marriage, we've been together for 16 years and, um, I think we just both knew we had young kids at the time and I think like many people, when you have young kids, you probably hang in a little bit longer just because of.

You have CA your, your underwater a little bit in terms of your life and, and you don't go into having a family or any marriage, quite frankly, thinking you're going to get a divorce. So it's funny that you say that, but, um, I mean, I technically filed, but it was mutual. 

Billie Tarascio: Wow. 

Okay. All right. Well, your experience of [00:05:00] being on the same page mutual agreement to get a divorce is highly unusual.

Yeah. But it's no less of a project and a chore. And what divide and thrive really helps tackle with your planner. It wouldn't call it actually the organizer. 

Alex Beattie: It's a planner guide and thrive digital plan. Yeah. Okay. And 

Billie Tarascio: that's the product that helps people determine what they've got, how they want to live and, and what, what life might look like post divorce is that.

Alex Beattie: That's a hundred percent. Right. So what the planner does is it walks you through the emotional side of what you're going through. That is the telephone and the business side of what you're going through. And the three core components are, um, kind of addressing your emotional side, having you set goals.

Figure out where you are now, emotionally, where you want to be. The second part is really about getting you organized, having all of your essential paperwork, whether it's documents or [00:06:00] statements, or it could be a trust at your fingertips. So you have everything in one place. It's a real detailed breakdown of what you need to gather.

And the third most important, I think of all are a very detailed working budget so that you can figure out what your financial realities are. How much it costs to live your life every month what's coming in. What's going out because the truth is. This is going to bring a lot of changes and financial changes is one of the biggest changes you go through.

So being able to have access to your realities puts you in a great position to make smart choices as you move forward. 

Billie Tarascio: Absolutely. There's, there's so many decisions that have to be known. When do I move out? Where do I move out? Should I get a place that's furnished? Should I try to buy? I have clients who are dealing with these things every day and it can be paralyzing.

And, and so much of it is also like, how much should I be spending? How do I figure out what, what my next [00:07:00] budget looks like so much so that we have a full time, uh, CDFA or certified divorce, financial analyst at Modern Law who helps people do this? If you could do it yourself. If all you need is some tools and some guidance and you can do it yourself.

You literally can save yourself thousands of dollars. 

Alex Beattie: That, that was the whole thinking behind this. And, you know, you actually touched on something that I wanted to circle back to this idea, you know, as you probably know, firsthand, one of the biggest things most people want when they split up is somebody really wants to keep that family home or apartment or townhouse or farm or whatever it is.

There are so many costs associated with it that you need to be on top of the reality of what it will be to. Keep that on in your life and doing that sooner than later. It's going to put you in a better position as opposed to fighting for something that a year or two down the line you can't afford anymore.

And now you're in a [00:08:00] position where if you want to sell it, you are at a huge loss tax wise. So it's like, I just want it to be, I want people to have this information sooner than later. So they set up the best next, like version of what their life is going to be. And in a way, like what you. So then they have the template in front of them and they can just continue to use it, you know, never be stuck again.

Billie Tarascio: Yeah. So, so tell, uh, our listeners about this letter you wrote. 

Alex Beattie: Oh boy. Okay. Well, I still have it. I just got the chills when you asked about it. And so what I did was, you know, it was the early idea of the setting, your goals. What are your divorce goals? What do you want your life after divorce to look like?

What are your priorities? But for me at the time, I just wrote a letter to my future self. You know, I was a working mom with two kids. I hadn't planned on divorce in my life. And I wanted to see it as an opportunity, right. An opportunity to create the [00:09:00] next chapter that I didn't know I could have, but now it was within my reach.

I wanted to focus on that opportunity. And so what I wrote in there was, and I won't give too much away because everybody's is different. Hey, what? My life was going to look like a couple years down the road, how my kids were going to be our mental health, what we're enjoying. And then I still did away almost like a new year's resolution.

I don't know if you've ever written those. I always like write them and then tuck them away and not look at the almost just by putting it out there by putting it down on paper, you're setting your intention, which is what I, and so those words really became. My north star, as I moved through divorce. Um, and other part of the planner deals with like your assets and obviously, you know, all, everything you have to go through.

And because I had taken the time to figure out what my priorities were, what kind of life I wanted next. Allowed me to kind of like walk through everything and say what's important. What's not. [00:10:00] And anticipate what could be a trigger for, you know, my soon to be ex so that we weren't fighting over some stupid couch.

I always had that north star of this is, this is what I want. These are my priorities. That stupid pan is not a priority. 

Billie Tarascio: It's a great idea. Some, some people are more big picture than others. Yeah. And what you're talking about. I wish every single person could do see the big picture, know where they're going, be able to map out their life.

But for many people, it is just so overwhelming and they're not done grieving their marriage and they're not, they literally, we have one client right now who. We met with an office the other day. And we asked him, why aren't you responding to our emails and phone calls? Why are you only responding to the legal assistant?

And he said, because he asked me questions, I can answer, [00:11:00] which was a great, wonderful response, because what it told us is like, I'm overwhelmed everything you're asking. Is overwhelming. Stop asking me. So we have to figure out a different way to help him come up with this information. What are your tips for people who are, who are there, who are identified with that concept of why are you even asking me these things?

Alex Beattie: I love that you shared that story. I think it's really common. Like even in the amicable of situations. Divorce is really hard. It just is like, there is no perfect. And as you move through it, like maybe that phone call from your attorney trigger something you didn't then there's, I like to say there's like an emotional rollercoaster.

That for me personally lasted two years after my divorce. Right. And I'm still healing in different ways. And I had an amicable split. So what I would say to that person is, again, there are two key buckets when you're going through a divorce, there's that [00:12:00] emotional bucket. And then there's the business bucket and make sure to address how you're feeling.

Right. Put that in the right bucket. So. Maybe that person then needs to say, I might need to go to counseling or maybe these conversations with my trusted friends and family. Aren't enough. What else can I be doing? But, and also then turn to you and say, I can't focus on this. I just need one beat because I'm having an emotional reaction and know that that's okay.

There's nothing wrong with that. There is no straight line to healing. Just honor yourself, listen to yourself and give yourself. Absolutely. 

Billie Tarascio: And then understand that there is so much power and healing in simply doing, even if you don't feel like it, it's no different than going to the gym or eating salad, you may not want to do it, but it is still good for you.

And the more you get. Let's do it the better you will end up the better you will feel eventually. [00:13:00] 

That's absolutely true Billie, because the other part is you don't want your emotions to put you in a, in a kind of precarious position. When you're going through a split. You don't want to, you know, I I'd get this on Tik TOK.

I have a lot of questions that I answer that come in from followers. And one of the biggest is I'm just so done. I just want it over with, I don't want to think about it anymore. And my response to that. That's really common, but the last thing you want to do is to rush through a process. Now that has such a huge effect on like what your future is, because there are no do-overs number one.

Alex Beattie: And number two, you are always going to be your best advocate. So you really do need to kind of address both separately, but don't ignore. The business side of it. And again, it's not about like, I want to get one over on my ex soon to be extra at all I want to do right by me. I want to add myself. I want to make sure that I was, you know, I never go [00:14:00] back having a regret.

Oh, why didn't I just like pay a little bit more attention because it all makes a big difference. And I don't know about your, you know, what you're finding. A lot of the, um, the percentage of people going through, like increasing in terms of divorce are people who are 50 and above. There's a lot on the line when you're splitting up at that point in time, retirement, what is your picture?

What's the difference between a retirement dollar and a savings dollar? You know, like in a lot of details, you need to go through do it right the first time, because it's gonna, it's gonna impact you later down the line. 

Billie Tarascio: I love that we're talking about this because on one hand, you really don't want to get caught up in trying to capture every last dollar, have to like, understand the cost of going through divorce and the cost of, and the cost of continuing your divorce versus finishing it.

And sometimes you're [00:15:00] really better off taking the deal. Even if you might do better at trial, you're sometimes better off taking the deal. And then other times there are people who are like give him or her everything, because I'm, I'm done. I cannot handle this for one more minute. And that, and that does so, so a and B are very, very, very different and figuring out.

What is my range that I can live with way early on way before you get into the divorce and the negotiation. And then looking back at that range and saying, okay, is this offer in the range? And is it compatible with that letter? I wrote myself those goals and my vision for myself is this compatible with my vision for myself.

My future will be a question that would be very valuable to ask yourself and to know the answer. 

Alex Beattie: That's a hundred percent true, which is why planning in advance right. Is so helpful. You know, you touched on something of, of, you know, taking something to trial. Do you really want to leave your [00:16:00] future in a stranger's hands right now?

I don't. 

Billie Tarascio: It's real risky. 

Alex Beattie: And the other thing is, is this deal good enough to take that's it find out w that's why knowing your budget is critical, because you're going to see how your life's going to change and figure out what, what you can live with. Right. Um, and, and, and let that guide you as opposed to the reality of it, as opposed to a fantasy.

That's not based on fact. Um, look, I, I say this time and time again. And I know you do because you are my attorney friend. There's a difference between what's fair and what's equitable. And in divorce it's equitable. That's the name of the game. So we sometimes think like, I just want what's fair, but my definition of fair is going to be real different than my soon to be.

X's definition of fair something I think might feel elementary in terms of fairness might feel incredibly unfair to my soon to be. [00:17:00] Um, so I think you've touched on something that, you know, figure out again, set your priorities, know what your goals are and know when to, when the deal is good enough to take it and then start it.

So you can have your life. You don't want your whole life to be about divorce. 

Billie Tarascio: Yeah, I agree. And fair is such, it's such a, like, I almost have a visceral response to the word fair. And maybe it's because I have four kids and they're all different. And my, my oldest has these special needs and he was, he was a real, real handful.

And it's just like nothing that we ever do in life is ever a fair, like thinking that you're owed something in terms of fairness is just, it's an, it's a fiction. It's imaginary. It's not real. So, instead of thinking about you can be stuck in wounded in that's not fair. People can be wounded in that for decades.

Alex Beattie: And [00:18:00] that's your life. Right? And that's the last thing. What is the most kind of valuable thing that we have or things we have time, our time and we have our health. Right? So ultimately that thinking is going to affect both. 

Billie Tarascio: Absolutely. 

Alex Beattie: Right. Like you want to be able to think through. And consider divorce, regardless of the circumstances that got you there.

Look, if I don't envy people who are in a position where they were really blindsided for something, cause then you're a few steps back and you can't quite get your footing, but whoever did you a disservice in how they treated you, did you a real service because now you have an opportunity to move forward.

That person, wasn't your person. If they've treated you that way. So. Try and, and, and figure out in terms of fair. Okay. Well maybe it's maybe the universe is making it fair that I get another shot. That mindset switch the [00:19:00] mindset. Absolutely. 

Billie Tarascio: What are some top guiding questions people should ask themselves when they're trying to figure out their goals and their needs.

Alex Beattie: Oh, that's a really great question. I mean, what are your priorities? How do you like to live your life? What kind of life do you want? Where do you find value in it? You know, everyone's is different, whether it's kind of a more, um, existential answer or maybe it's a more, uh, I don't know, a luxury answer, or maybe it's more, you have to figure out where your, what, what do you enjoy doing and bringing more of that. How do I bring more of that into my life? Like in the planner, we have a real detailed kind of worksheet that you can go through so that you can take time and answer these questions. So you can, what is your core? What is your, why, what is the thing that's going to make you excited getting up?

Is it traveling around the world or is it being able to host backyard barbecues? What is it for you? Is it living by the beach or [00:20:00] is it, you know, Moving to the mountains or is it being in a studio apartment somewhere and getting to, I don't know, enjoy certain activities that you like to do that is being able to kind of like focus on what you want in your life early in the divorce process.

Gets you excited and guess what you have permission to get excited about what your life after divorce is going to be. 

Billie Tarascio: Um, and, and you should show many of these opportunities you have. It's not that different for me. It did not feel that different from finishing college, becoming an adult for the first time. Like my divorce felt like doing that again? 

Alex Beattie: Yeah. It's a hundred percent sure. Yeah. And just like that, very kind of a big milestone in your life during a very kind of formative time, you started to experience life in a different way, right? This with divorce, you get to figure out [00:21:00] who am I at this point in my life. Right, right. And there's not a lot of opportunity for, for that.

And so being able to take advantage and embrace it, and I noticed that some people have to fight ups upstream in terms of like, I want to play the blame game or I have, you know, my mom and my ear saying, I just never liked that person. Anyway, you got to there's some voices in divorce. That's why. Setting your goals, setting your intentions early is so important.

So you're not sidetracked by all those outside voices. And so you can start to reset and get to know who you are now, because now the sky is the limit. And I know not every situation is perfect. I know some people are going to have to be digging themselves out of financial hardship. It's true. Remember, it's also temporary.

The more, the more information you have up front, the more preparation you do, the shorter, the amount of time it's going to take. And it's like short-term sacrifice, long-term gain. 

Billie Tarascio: Absolutely. The other thing that maybe not enough people truly consider is [00:22:00] bankruptcy. Hmm. My opinion like divorce is a huge disruption.

It's also a huge, fresh start, and many people have the opportunity to wipe out their debt. And if you're already behind and you're already not paying your bills and you're already underwater, I just would encourage people to touch a bankruptcy attorney because the consequences versus the gains, it might be, it might be worth it.

Alex Beattie: Yeah, you never, I mean, again, having, like knowing your financial realities is so important, so whatever next steps you do take, you have everything you need at your fingertips tips, whether that's, you know, steps towards meeting with some, a bankruptcy attorney, or if it's just meeting with a lender about the possibility of keeping your family home, or if it's about something.

You want to be in charge of all that information and as scary as it sounds, you want to turn on the lights and see we're all a little creepy crawlies [00:23:00] are because you're going to sleep better at night. 

Billie Tarascio: Right? Absolutely. I think for many people, the financial details are an afterthought. They're not important.

They're not the day-to-day, they're not the most, um, pressing matter. And they don't want to take the time to kind of be selfish about their financial future. And I think if you can just be as protective over your financial future, as you are over your children or maybe close second, um, you, your life will be better.

Your future will be better. Your future that you're giving your children will be. 

Alex Beattie: You know, you just touched on something that is, um, such an important component that I feel like it's a, it's a switch that people need to flip earlier than later in the process. And that is when you're in a long-term marriage.

We tend to think in terms of we. So we're just, that's our life. We're [00:24:00] in a couple bubble, we're in a family bubble and that's all good. And the reality is when you realize separation is on the horizon or a divorce is on the horizon, you need to switch your mind set to me. That's not a selfish thing.

It's not about throwing somebody under the bus. It's about putting your priorities first and putting your, um, kind of information. Through that lens so that you can again, make good choices going through because you being the priority is going to benefit your kids. You being the priority is going to benefit you.

And, and that's the way you also have to be thinking from this point forward. Cause it's on you. 

Billie Tarascio: It is. And the other thing that is major is when you're in a marriage or a long-term partnership, that you've divided duties, and there might be some things that you haven't had to worry about in a long time.

And maybe that's finances, maybe it's cert you know, where all the important documents, I don't know [00:25:00] what it is. Maybe it's your kids' educational and medical, whatever it is. There's been huge chunks of life that are crucial, that have been delegated. And that is so efficient. In a marriage and you have to start now catching up and taking those things back.

Alex Beattie: Yeah. That's a hundred percent, right? So the sooner you do it, the better you're going to be in the long-term and I get it. I know it's scary. You're a hundred percent, right. You know, somebody might be. The primary breadwinner, the other person to stay at home. Maybe you're both working, but somebody has a little more concessions because you have kids.

And if someone's sick, you get called whatever the circumstances are. It's going to be back on you just like it was before divorce. It's going to be back on your shoulders. So you should start getting comfortable with it. Again, 

Billie Tarascio: I have a horror story I haven't told before. Um, but I will cause this time. So.

In my marriage, my husband was the [00:26:00] details guy, military, little bit on the anal side, which was fine with me because I'm not. So that works. And I delegated a lot of the detail stuff to him and I didn't quite have that altogether. And I went to go get on a cruise. With my four kids and my best friend and all these other friends, and I didn't have the right passport.

My passport was expired. Oh. And I could have gotten on the cruise if I had my birth certificate. Right. And I called my ex-husband to be like, is my birth certificate still at my old. Yeah. And he was like, Nope, sorry, not here. Oh God. 

Alex Beattie: I feel your, I totally feel you. Which is why I would say the plan planner.

Billie Tarascio: That was such a wake-up call for [00:27:00] me because I was living my best life. I was so happy to be divorced. I was so happy. I was so, and I wasn't even divorced yet. I was just, you know, it was during the, I was just so happy to be able to like, Pick out my own, like to just do things without a very anal person who didn't like me anymore.

That was so great that I wasn't paying attention to the details of where's my birth certificate. Where's my passport, where's my kids stuff. And like that wasn't something I had to deal with. And now it was, and it was like, I had to get pretty like serious with myself and have a little come to Jesus about.

The, the things in my life that I was not being responsible for and how I needed to. Yeah. 

Alex Beattie: Now I'm so glad we shared that story. Okay. But I have an important followup question. Where were you cruising? Mexico, 

but I did, I didn't get to go. I didn't get to go with my two youngest kids because of the way that room situation went out.

My best friend still took my two older kids. And then that was a big thing. Cause I didn't ask for permission because it was like in the heat of the moment, like it was [00:28:00] the moment, like it was like the cruise was leaving and I was

like, only it'll be ruined for us. Anyway. It was, it was some serious drama and. Whatever. Now I have passports for everybody and I've birth certificates for everybody. And I've got myself a little bit more 

responsible. Look, I'm not surprised there so many details you have to think through that you haven't had to for a really long time.

It's so common. I'm so glad you shared it. And I'm glad the two of the kids got to go on Mexico. 

Billie Tarascio: Yes. Time to book another one anyway. And the other thing. When you're going through divorce, there's some ugly, like there's some of those moments, there's a lot of like losing your keys, losing your minds, not really having your stuff together.

And so I think the planner. Is so helpful because we cannot rely on our minds alone. During that time. I'm a divorce attorney. I live in this world. I've lived in this world for 17 years and I still made massive mistakes. 

Alex Beattie: So I think what you've done is so 

[00:29:00] helpful. Thank you, Billie. I really appreciate that. I mean, at the end of the day, even with you being in divorce attorney and going through a divorce, you're still human.

We're all human. It's a human experience. It's a big life change and everyone. Challenges thrown at them. You're going to have to move through it. And the easier you make it on yourself, the better, because you're dealing with a lot. So be gentle with yourself and I'm telling it, just be gentle and just know that divorce is not going to define you.

It's going to be a short period of time, put your head down, do what needs to get done. And before you know it, you'll, you'll be looking at it in the rear view. Great 

new crews,

Billie Tarascio: So tell everyone where they can find more information about Divide And Thrive. 

Oh, my 

Alex Beattie: gosh. I'm happy to well for anyone listening, I would encourage you if you're just thinking about divorce or if you're at the beginning stages, actually going through one, please check out our free library of information from divorce professionals.

You can find it at [00:30:00] www.Divideandthrive.net. That's our website. You can also find us on Instagram at divideandthrive. Or on Tik TOK at divideandthriveplan. And in all of our social media, I mean, I walked through all these reels of telling you what to do and encouragement and community, and we just would love for you to be a part and to educate yourself.

So please, I hope everyone takes advantage. And if people are interested in purchasing the divide thrive divorce planner, it is on the website. And I would love to be able to offer your listeners a special discount code. So it would be Billie 2022, and you can get 15% off. 

Billie Tarascio: Do it, billie 2022, do it. Maybe you can spare yourself some of the mistakes that others of us have made.

Alex, thank you so much for coming on the show today. If you all have enjoyed this episode, make sure to like it rank it, leave a review, go [00:31:00] see Alex at her website. Download that divorce planner. Join us on our Facebook groups, Tik TOK, Instagram. It's a great community out there and we would love to see you there, Alex thank you so much again for your time. 

Alex Beattie: Absolutely. Thank you Billie. Thanks everybody. I bye bye.